PUTANGINA. GRADUATE NA AKO. SA. WA. KAS.
To whoever you are - I’m really sorry it took this long. If I haven’t, maybe we may have worked things out before the shit hit the fan real hard and maybe we’d still be together now. Fine you’re minus maybe a fifth of your braincells because of the work you’re in but I’ll still love you the same. A person is not just brains ya know. But as the song goes, it’s too late to apologize I guess.
So after this, I’ll drink a bottle of that Gilbey’s Special Premium each for you, for me and for what we had before. I’d like to think we had something special; even now I still believe that. I hope the same holds for you. Would I want to have that back? MAYBE. First question is, would you? You’re right; we’re not the same persons any more so if ever that happens we’d have to work from scratch and maybe we’ll find again what brought us together before.
But I’m not hoping nor expecting anything. I just want us to be happy. And if that means we’d get back together, why not right? But hey, as I’ve said, you are right. Things are different now.
OK back to regular programming.
P.S. I love you. It used to mean a lot before, but I’ll say it now and mean every single word of it - I. Love. You.
it wasn't really easy asking you that question. i never did want to pop that question - it was as if i was indirectly giving up on us. but the gnawing doubt was killing me, and even an idiot would say that something was wrong. blame me for being a little too smart for my own stupid good. and referring to you as my 'ex' would have to be the most heart-wrenching i have ever done. it was as if i was pulling the life support off a loved one with a terminal disease. call it psychosomatic, but even now the thought of 'us' being over is physically painful for me. and i know it was for you too. chances are, even now, it's still painful for you.
i'm sorry my dearest. i don't think i was half the man you needed me to be, and yet you've loved me as if i was the best thing since... i dunno, sliced bread? instant pancit canton? and for three whole years and a few odd months too. if that's not true love i don't know what that is.
if anything, i want you to know that i really do understand your reasons. and that i respect them. just give me time to sort things out. you know me best - i think way too loud and i have way too many voices in my head. i'll be fine my dearest, all in due time. but for now, let me mourn. Its just that I feel like an old man missing his wife who just passed away. I still look for you in the house; I still feel your kiss on my lips, your body pressed on my back as you comfort me with a hug from behind; I still hear your voice; I still feel your warmth on the other side of the bed; I still reach for you during the night; I still feel your hand in mine, I miss looking at your sleeping face, giving me the simple joy of knowing everything will be fine in the morning when I wake up... I miss you bad, my dearest love. Three years isn't exactly long by some standards, but those three years, even if they were hard at times, were my happiest for i was with you.
you know what i want to do right now? i want to hug you for the longest time and say all these things to you. then. ever so slowly, unwillingly, i will let go and kiss you. not for the last time, but just for now. good luck my dearest. you're made of strong stuff - you'll kick aside whatever shit this world throws at you. never forget, i'll be here for you - not really waiting, but always ready to help you in whatever way. yes, we'll get drunk together sometime soon. and if i do have kids, i'd be honored to have you as their godmother. who knows, maybe you'll be the for-real mother of my kids, not just the surrogate. haha. and yes, we've been very good friends even before we became lovers. Nothing will ever change that.
this seems to be waaayy too long. i love you my dearest. thank you for everything.
p.s. i know, i really suck at goodbyes. then again. this isn't exactly 'goodbye'. it's 'thank you for everything'. see you around my dearest. lover. friend. you.
p.p.s. i love you.
soundtrack of my life seriesMotion City Soundtrack
I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995
all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would
But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way
I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kind of gave up
Winter is killer when the sun goes down
I’m really not as stubborn as I seem
Said the knuckle to the concrete
But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way
I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think
As much as I used to
Cause never is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way
I sure want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me
~*~*~*
Almost autobiographical, if I may say so myself.
Vienna Teng
Dreaming Through the Noise
it's the quiet night that breaks me
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place
it's the quiet night that breaks me
like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace
all my books are lying useless now
all my maps will only show me how to lose my way
oh call my name
you know my name
and in that sound
everything will change
tell me it won't always be this hard
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are
it's the crowded room that breaks me
everybody looks so luminous and strangely young
it's the crowded room that's never heard
no one here can say a word of my native tongue
I can't be among them anymore
I fold myself away
before it burns me numb
oh call my name
you know my name
and in your love, everything will change
tell me it won't always be this hard
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.
~*~*~*
p.s. i have guitar tabs for this. want em? drop a line.
so. after this week i have more or less two months to finish digging the hole i've been digging for the last i dunno… seven? years and finally see the light.
truth be told, i'm apprehensive of leaving the comfy world of school and fully step into the rat race. of course i have a choice of not joining the rat race - be my own boss, open a business etc etc yadayadayadayadayada. but those options require a lot of stuff which i don't have, so yeah - giddiyap giddiyap giddiyap onto the rat race people.
the feeling of impending change was echoed while i was cleaning my closet (no, not eminem-stlye). picking through my clothes, i saw stuff from yesteryears i haven't seen in a long time. with them came memories long buried in the recesses of my mind. now i know why i'm such a packrat. aside from the memories, i have little to nothing to remind me of the past. i hate pictures for i look stupid in them. i have few friends for i'm a picky bastard. considering everything, at the end you only have the past and a few moments to say 'fuck you world' before you croak, nothing more.
last week i went to my HS alma mater. a lot of things have changed, except for this sentiment - whoever was the idiot who said that life is better on the next stage is saying bovine manure. shitty as it was, HS was one of the parts of my life i'd relive if ever my current consciousness can be transported back to my old HS body. ha.
~*~*~*
jeez. i *still* have a nasty case of chapped lips. every now and then i taste blood and well, it's a freaking irritant. you know what they say - pain from wounds you can bear, but never an itch.
let's die another day.
randomizingAlternative Way to Say ITand then, there was you, again.