hello there my dearest.

it wasn't really easy asking you that question. i never did want to pop that question - it was as if i was indirectly giving up on us. but the gnawing doubt was killing me, and even an idiot would say that something was wrong. blame me for being a little too smart for my own stupid good. and referring to you as my 'ex' would have to be the most heart-wrenching i have ever done. it was as if i was pulling the life support off a loved one with a terminal disease. call it psychosomatic, but even now the thought of 'us' being over is physically painful for me. and i know it was for you too. chances are, even now, it's still painful for you.

i'm sorry my dearest. i don't think i was half the man you needed me to be, and yet you've loved me as if i was the best thing since... i dunno, sliced bread? instant pancit canton? and for three whole years and a few odd months too. if that's not true love i don't know what that is.

if anything, i want you to know that i really do understand your reasons. and that i respect them. just give me time to sort things out. you know me best - i think way too loud and i have way too many voices in my head. i'll be fine my dearest, all in due time. but for now, let me mourn. Its just that I feel like an old man missing his wife who just passed away. I still look for you in the house; I still feel your kiss on my lips, your body pressed on my back as you comfort me with a hug from behind; I still hear your voice; I still feel your warmth on the other side of the bed; I still reach for you during the night; I still feel your hand in mine, I miss looking at your sleeping face, giving me the simple joy of knowing everything will be fine in the morning when I wake up... I miss you bad, my dearest love. Three years isn't exactly long by some standards, but those three years, even if they were hard at times, were my happiest for i was with you.

you know what i want to do right now? i want to hug you for the longest time and say all these things to you. then. ever so slowly, unwillingly, i will let go and kiss you. not for the last time, but just for now. good luck my dearest. you're made of strong stuff - you'll kick aside whatever shit this world throws at you. never forget, i'll be here for you - not really waiting, but always ready to help you in whatever way. yes, we'll get drunk together sometime soon. and if i do have kids, i'd be honored to have you as their godmother. who knows, maybe you'll be the for-real mother of my kids, not just the surrogate. haha. and yes, we've been very good friends even before we became lovers. Nothing will ever change that.

this seems to be waaayy too long. i love you my dearest. thank you for everything.

p.s. i know, i really suck at goodbyes. then again. this isn't exactly 'goodbye'. it's 'thank you for everything'. see you around my dearest. lover. friend. you.

p.p.s. i love you.